Friday, November 18, 2011

...And This Is Why Michelle Is Never Invited Anywhere....

   Last weekend I attended a women's retreat with my friend's church.  Needless to say, after that weekend (and reading this story) most of you will never invite me to a women's retreat again ;)
    The place we went to was about an hour & a half drive from where we lived, and it was up a mountain.  We attempted to follow the mapquest directions on poorly marked roads in the dark.  Obviously, this was a fail.  As we continued our ascent up the mountain, we saw some cars parked along the side of the road and a man in what appeared to be a tan forrest ranger uniform.  He had a flashlight.  This was not good.  A van of four females being stopped by a creepy serial killer....I mean, just look at all those parked cars.  I urged my friend to NOT roll down the window or stop.  What does she do? She rolled down the window and stopped.  When I realized the danger we were now in, I told our friend sitting in the passenger side (no, I didn't drive my van. my friend did. then I let a taller friend sit up front) to pull my knife out of the glovebox.  Did she? No.  Here we are, in the middle of nowhere, in the dark, about to be slaughtered, and  NO ONE CARES! 
    Amidst my utter panic, I heard the serial killer ask my friend if we were there for the Veteran's Dinner.  Veteran's Dinner?? What kind of ruse was this?? Are we about to be fed to cannibals???  Instead of rolling the window up and zooming away, my friend then told the suspicious fellow our REAL plans! Hello?? Has she NEVER seen crime dramas?? You NEVER let potential killers know your real plans! The man then gave my friend "directions" for after we turned around and we followed the path back down the mountain.  Apparently we were up the wrong side.  We eventually found the location of the camp and made it just in time for a portion-controlled dinner.
     The next morning, we drove from our cabin to the lodge where we were to be served breakfast.  Someone failed to inform our group of the caked-on ice that covered the steep roads up to the lodge.  Needless to say, several cars had to turn around.  One vehicle had become stuck, so I volunteered myself to get out of the van (we were stuck in line because of the stuck car) to go help (we all know how that goes....).  By the time I arrived, the car had become unstuck.  Another driver offered to give me a lift up the hill (it was super-windy) and I reached for the door handle.  Next thing I knew, I was licking the ice.  My coherent thought was to roll away from the tires in case they thought I vanished (it has happened, you know...), but instead I laid there, listening to the women inside the vehicle wonder what happened to me.  Finally, one of them opened the back door to discover me, lying face-down on the ground.  I'm not sure how, but I got up and was ushered into the back-seat.  Then we were stuck because we were parked on ice.  Story of my life.  Somehow, we got unstuck and made it to breakfast.
    Fast-forward to lunch-time.  So dinner Friday night and breakfast on Saturday were healthy foods.  We anticipated as much for lunch and instead we were surprised with pizza and rice-krispy treats for dessert!  I have a slight problem with sugar-once I have some, that's all I can think about....so I try to avoid sugar as much as possible on a daily basis.  But this was a free weekend.  So I ate my rice-krispy treat.  And I enjoyed it. And I wanted more.  Well, the kitchen staff informed me that there was no "more".  Heavy with disappointment, I visited some women at another table to let them know about "game time" in our cabin.  Imagine my delight when they told me that I could have the untouched rice-krispy treat setting on their table!!! (These were super-yummy: not only did they have sprinkles on top, but underneath was a carmel sauce....mmmmmmmmmm.....)
    As I made my way out of the lodge (treat in hand), I had this sudden giddy desire to run.  Across the hill.  In my snowboots.  In the snow.... And so I ran-arms open wide, holding onto that precious dessert.  And then I went down the hill.  My sudden giddy desire forgot to warn me that the snow was deeper at the bottom.  As soon as my foot touched the deeper snow, my entire body twisted, then collapsed. (You know the word "whomp"? I'm pretty sure that's the sound I my body made as it crashed into the snow)  As I laid there, rice-krispy treat held aloft (even though I was pretty much buried, the treat made it out alive!), I screamed "Christinaaaaaaaaa!" so that my friends wouldn't leave without me.  So much for friends.  Instead of rushing to my aid, Christina and one of our friends remained at the van, laughing their socks off.  Thankfully, we had one more friend.  She came to my aid and helped me up, rice-krispy treat and all.  And on our way back to the cabin, I finished my dessert.



                                           "Hangin' With The Hoodies"...

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